As a practitioner or business owner, how many times have you heard the phrase “I can’t afford you, can we swap?” or even worse “Can you do that for free?”
It took me a long time to realise that when someone uses phrases like that, what they really mean is “I don’t value you”.
What about a genuine crisis?
Don’t get me wrong, there are those who are in genuine crisis who will truly benefit from your support. Helping someone in genuine need is a reward in itself which is priceless. Do it! That person will value and respect you, always.
However, working with those in genuine need is not the same as helping someone who ‘won’t afford’ your services. Now, this does sound a touch harsh but hear me out – there is a whole lot of value for you here…
Can’t pay vs. won’t pay.
When a potential client opens with ‘I can’t pay, full stop’, they are really saying “I don’t value you”. Their perception of value is placed somewhere else, holidays, pet parlours and so on. They are not valuing your expertise, time and skills.
They won’t pay until they perceive value in what you give them… Yes, they will not value you, no matter how much you do for them!
When a person says ‘I can’t afford you’, what they are really saying is “I don’t value myself enough to value you, therefore, I won’t pay you”.
When someone doesn’t value themselves, they certainly won’t value you.
What happens if someone can’t pay? Think of it this way: We have all wanted something so much we have made a plan to get it – at any cost. It may take a while, but they will get there.
If someone values you enough, they will find a way to pay.
That is not the end of the story though, enabler…
When we help someone who is not in genuine crisis for free, we are actually enabling them to continue as they are.
By doing so, we allow them to continue playing small. We get sucked into that energy as well. Both parties down in a small, small hole… This action does not help anyone.
Seriously: Enabling another to remain stuck is not a good thing.
To truly empower another, they have to want to be empowered. They have to be in a space to offer equal value. If not then the balance is out and both parties walk away with a not-so-great-experience. Both continue to do as they have been doing and no true change occurs.
I read somewhere that may well be the definition of insanity!
Time to set a boundary or two, yes!
In reality, sometimes saying ‘no’ serves both parties best. ‘Enough’ and ‘no’ are two words that can help spark wonderful changes for the better.
To value another, you need to be able to value yourself first. When you value yourself first, you can then pay that value forward.
When you come from an empowered space, you can help another in a more meaningful way. A way you can both grow from, where true transformation occurs.
How then do you say ‘no’?
Neale Donald Walsch sums the ‘how’ up perfectly: Speak your truth and soothe your words with peace.
Honesty is always the best policy. After a few of my own life traumas, I realised we can all get over the truth a lot more easily than a lie. No matter how well intentioned the lie is.
Be honest and speak your truth, in a gentle and loving way. Support the change, be clear, and let the other learn to play big. It’s the best gift you can give.
So, how do you value you? How do others value you?
Ready to get the balance right? Think before agreeing to your next swap, will it enable or empower… The choice is always yours!
Cheryl-lya is a Soul Adventurer and Planning Queen: helping women around the globe plan launch and grow successful sustainable businesses. She runs workshops alongside one-to-one coaching. Contact her: call UK mobile 07527 303 911, or visit her website soulscompass.net and schedule a free 15 min Connection Session to get your needs sorted. Say ‘hello’ or share your joys via email: firstname.lastname@example.org
P.S. Cheryl-lya will has released her new book: ‘Twenty-one Day Gratitude Challenge’. Buy your copy here: www.soulscompass.net then read to find the links and join the enlightened accountability group for free!